sparkle.

Do you ever feel like you lose yourself somewhere?  You’ve rounded a corner, lost in thought and suddenly, there’s this sinking feeling that you dropped something.  You turn around and realize you haven’t seen it in a while.  Things had gotten too quiet but you didn’t realize it till now.  It takes you a while to retrace steps.  Ah!  There it is!  That part of yourself you never thought you’d loose.  Unfortunately, it’s that carelessness that left you behind.

I’ve loved calling myself a dreamer.  Since I was little I had dreams of living a bigger life.  Decisions became exciting and I wanted to live my life without regret.  Often times, it meant that I’d chose the path less traveled, the path less accepted.  The idea of following God in ways that were out of the box and slightly scary fueled my passions.  I was in forward motion.  These pages that filled these chapters were full of an idea that God was going to take care of me.  Money didn’t hinder.  I moved with confidence that dreams would happen and God would give me the guard rails when turns got steep.  A combination of wisdom gained from the past and a hunger for the future gave me momentum.  Yes, there were always pot holes, storms at times slowed me down but I tried to pay as close attention to the road signs as I possibly could.  But I kept cruise control on a little too long this time. I’ve hit the guard rails and mountains like  a pin ball but I’ve been in too much of a daze to notice till now.

I used to be a dreamer.  And then I had a mid-life crisis.  Or maybe it’s better coined as a quarter life crisis.  At least, I hope my life isn’t half way over.  I often find myself like Molly Mahoney in the movie Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (A film about a magical toy story run by Mr. Magorium).  To most, it is a silly children’s movie.  But to me, it is a constant source of encouragement and inspiration.  Molly confides to Mr. Magorium early in the film that she feels stuck and unable to move forward in her dreams; uncertain of her life.  So he gives her a block of wood:  the con-grieve cube.  It is meant to help her unlock something great. She goes through the movie wrestling with herself and the changes that are rapidly taking place . You can tell she feels utterly lost.  She asks of her friend, “when you look at me what do you see?  Do you see a sparkle, something greater just waiting to get out?”

That is how I feel so much of the time.  I used to know that I was meant for greatness.  But the fears of “the real world” have scared me to pieces.  But I am now on a mission to reclaim my “sparkle” and live my life as blindingly as I can! :]

child of weakness.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what Jesus said.  Sometimes I think I get a little too comfortable with what I think Jesus taught and I don’t take much time to really see what he said point blank. Sometimes I am like this:

A friend shared a story that Francis Chan (I think) told.  He was thinking about becoming a soldier until he saw a commercial on TV about it.  He thought, “I don’t like running and I don’t like push ups.” If he would have gone to the recruiting center asking, “I want to join but can I only do a little bit of running and not as many push ups?”  They would have laughed him right out of there.  It seems that we treat Jesus’ teachings in the same way.  I do.

Why am I so afraid to believe Jesus’ Truths?  Like I am loved.  That’s one of the hardest for me to wrap my mind around.  I’m noticing it more and more just by the things I think and things that I say against myself.  I am my hardest critic and probably my worst enemy.

Now that I am working in the church, I’ve fallen into the trap that I’m supposed to have it all together.  Man is that dangerous thinking. If you think that, beware, you are going to encounter a very ugly side of yourself.  Your most painful insecurities will surface and you will start to believe a lot of lies about yourself and others.  I’ve allowed being around married people all the time to get to me and I began thinking that I am severly going to let LifePointe down.  When you let stuff like that get into your head and stay there, it’ll suck the life out of you real quick.

The beautiful thing is God won’t stand for that kind of thinking.  He isn’t forceful about getting the lies out of you, but gentle and patient. When I found myself getting into that dark place I heard Jesus whispering, “get to know me.”  He wanted me to re-read the Bible and remind myself of who he really is and to discover things about him and his teachings that I never realized before.  By doing that I started seeing parts of my thought process that were tripping me up and it also challenged me to evaluate what teachings I have incorporated into my life and what needs work.

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.
’Cause Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots,
And melt the heart of stone
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
Jesus died my soul to save
my lips shall still repeat
Oh, praise the One who paid my debt,
And raised this life up from the dead.

I’m going to start a series of posts on what I’m learning as I “get to know Him”. I’d love to hear ways Jesus has turned your thinking upside down!

wait.

the word ‘wait’ may be small but it packs a punch.

i felt like i should share this poem i found in a book i was reading. it hit home for me and thought it may be good to share with some of you.

WAIT poem:
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, i need to know why!”
Is your hand shortened? Or have You not heart?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I’m needing a “yes”, a go-ahead sign
or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall recieve.
And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied once again, “You must wait”

So i slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, “so I’m waiting…for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign,
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, i could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want- But, you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of dispair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me.
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save…(for a start),
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that i give when you walk without sight,
the depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
of an infinate God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that ‘my grace is sufficient for Thee’
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seems terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.

these are a few of my favorite things.

I have been in Fort Mill, SC & Charlotte, NC (they are right up against each other) for a full weekend now.  It is starting to feel a little bit less like another weekend trip and a bit more like I am here to stay.  I welcome that feeling entirely because I have felt too much like I’m bobbing around every which way and not settling somewhere very long.  It has been in the last year that I’ve stopped desiring to live in a new state every year and having more longing to settle into a place and dig into the people and the culture there. I’m praying I can stay here a good long while, but I’m not about to rush this year.

The weekend has been a success in my opinion.  My host family, the Strykers, are awesome!  Matt and Angie have great big servant hearts. They’ve opened up a large bedroom (with a large closet and my own bathroom) with a big comfy bed for me to stay in and the rest of the house for me to roam free in. The joy they radiate is contagious.  And their kids (Jack age 4 and Valerie age 2) are adorable and are warming up to me more and more.

I have had the opportunity to make a few friends whom I’m looking forward to hanging out with soon, I hope.  We played a rousing game of Blockus and then sat down to make fun of shows like River Monsters.  I haven’t laughed that hard for that long in a good while.

Last night and this morning were wonderful times with my new LifePointe family.  Between watching Toy Story 2 with them on the lawn of Southwest Middle (a.k.a the Steel Creek campus) and meeting welcoming folks at the Steel Creek services and “Starting Pointe” I am feeling welcomed into the family.

Then this evening out of the blue (no pun intended…or maybe it was…) a storm arrived.  I’m silly and storms kinda freak me out so since I had the house to myself I curled up in my jammies to watch Up.  I quite like nights like this (the only thing that was missing was a pepperoni pizza!).  But once the movie ended and the Strykers arrived home I noticed out the kitchen windows that golden clouds were announcing the arrival of what appeared to be a miraculous sunset.  When I looked outside to get a better look I saw a bright rainbow arching across the sky.  I anxiously ran upstairs to tell Jack and Valerie and when I looked out my own bedroom window I nearly cried at the beauty of it.  (The clouds were brilliant shades of yellow, pink, purple, blue and orange. and the rainbow, while it was bright, had an amazing affect by making the clouds inside it a different hue than what was outside of it.)  God’s promises were overwhelming; God’s love was written everywhere in that sky.

As I stood there, glued to the window pane, I remembered a conversation I had had with my friend, Molly, earlier this evening.  After I recounted to her my time here thus far she asked, “how does that make you feel?”.  For a moment I tried to figure out exactly what this emotion was that I was experiencing.

With a smile I replied, “peace.”

in forest.

i am a few days into thanksgiving break.
i have expired tags on my car (oops) so i can’t drive  and the house to myself so i figure i have time to write up a nice update about my life.

the semester is finally progressing better. there was a good chunk of time where i was completely depressed.  i wasn’t doing well in my classes.  i was certain i was going to fail and be forced to remain at johnson a little bit longer.  i didn’t feel i was making friends outside of my roommate. and since i had a taste of the “real world” i started missing it and that freedom.

thankfully things are smoothing out.

i do have some crazy news. i am 98% sure i am moving to Charlotte after i graduate to work with lifepointe christian church.  why am i not 100%?  i’m going to visit after Christmas break to make sure that’s where i’m supposed to be.

thinking back on how i got to this point gives me major goosebumps.  check out my “fork in the road” post to see a glimpse of God’s preparation.  i’ll return to this in a moment.

near the end of labor day weekend i was down in jbc’s coffee kiosk working. standing nearby was nathan mcconnagghay (nathan graduated from jbc a couple of years ago). we ended up talking about life and he told me a lot about his ministry at lifepointe church. there he leads worship and is the creative arts director. the more he explained about his ministry (the team he wants to put together, the projects he wants to do, etc) the more i wanted to come out there and join in this work. but i didn’t want to ask because i wasn’t sure if that’s what God wanted for me at all.  i didn’t want to ask because i was slightly envious. (little did i know nathan was wanting to ask me to come out but he, too, wasn’t sure)

as the semester progressed i did research to see what kind of creative art ministry jobs there are. but my research didn’t prove very fruitful.  there was about a week where things looked promising.  i was talking with a guy who runs an artist initiative in paris and i was also talking with two churches in seattle who were enthusiastic. i was going to walk through these doors as long as one stayed open.  they all shut rather quickly as the leadership stopped responding.

since labor day weekend i have talked with nathan a lot about his ministry.  one night, about two weeks ago, while talking with him i was doing some research.  in a moment of disappointment i said to him, “don’t be surprised if someday down the road i say, ‘nathan can i be your intern?’”  to which he responded, “you should! that’d be awesome!… let me talk to blake (his partner in crime in the ministry)”  the next morning i got an email from blake that rocked my world.

he said that if i come out for a year to get experience i could be in charge of their art team and i could also teach art classes at an art academy he’s starting. he also threw out a hypothetical: after the year’s internship i could help open and run a non-profit coffee shop/art gallery in their community center.  this is where the “fork in the road” gives me goosebumps.

right then i wanted to say I’M GAME! but i wanted to make sure it was what God wanted.  so as i said before, i’m waiting till i visit after Christmas break to be 100%.

i will have to fund raise but i’m excited about that part and to see God move in huge ways in His provision.

well that’s where i will leave off. :]

twenty three.

i thought it would be fun posting about my life, since it’s my birthday and all .  i heart october 26th.

sometimes when i am caught up in the day-to-day i forget the blessed life i’ve been given.

i’ve lived in three states:

• o-h-i-o (my home turf).
• tennessee (so close to a degree).
• north carolina (not to mention the beach!).

early childhood memories:

• had major surgery as a six year old.
• deciding, as a two year old that it would be fun to be like my dad and shave my face….the next day was picture day…
• very early memory might have been a birthday party, but it was definatly halloween.  i was running around a car being chased by a guy in costume and about the third time around the car the guy had slid into the car and doned the mask that had been hanging in the window. being two years old you don’t think things through…scared the living day lights out of me.
• playdough was my favorite, as was gak, my little ponies and barbies.
• jump rope was my life.
• i met my best friend on the merry go round.
• bill ray cyrus was a favorite (these boot were made for walking) and love shack too.  oh and i guess when i was teeny i loved the song wild wild west (not the will smith version) and bad to the bone.
• my grandma loved to tell the story of me as a toddler in bob evans. i handed my grandpa a spoon and while he took the spoon i wrapped my lil fingers around his cole slaw and pulled it to me and started eating, replying, “amer’s”.
• one of my favorite pictures of all time is my current facebook picture
• i loved when my dad owned a go-cart.
• some of my favorite days period were when i would build houses out of cardboard boxes and watch nick jr (back when it was good…rugrats, gula gula island, EUREKA’S CASTLE, etc…)
• i loved imagination so entirely that as i got older i made the decision to never let it go.  i never wanted to grow up enough that i wouldn’t keep my imagination.  i still think of scenarios from time to time :].

i’ve had random experiences:

• a shattered windshield on the interstate (with awesome pictures to prove it).
• took out bushes at mcdonalds with my car.
• three oatmeal fights.
• spraining my ankle by tripping myself.
• my dorm room was yarned massivly by friends. when i opened the door i instantly thought BIG SPIDER and screamed.
• smashing my glasses while snowboarding for the first time.
• saw my boss at the coffee house in his wet suit IN the coffee shop…
• worked in a factory, grocery store, beach coffee house, movie theater, cleaning beach houses, a boutique, etc…
• lived a sitcom out in my living room on the beach (woo amy, phil, jason and sam!).

i’ve aquired multiple nicknames:

• ber.
• ber-ber.
• sug/sugar/baby (i miss my grandma).
• sis (i love my family).
• rambo (i love my dad).
• lynn (i hear this when i’m in trouble.)
• ambie.
• ambinator (oh casey…).
• the hulk (casey and sara).
• a-train (here’s to you amy and jason).
• amberger (i miss meghan!).
• etc…

random facts:

• i used to throw walnuts at my neighbor growing up, we had vicious fights.
• i love the smell of burning wood.
• i’m a strong believer in watching cartoons as an adult.
• i miss playing the flute and volleyball.
• i’m proud of my brother.
• i lived on the beach for over a year and never learned to surf, how sad am i??
• i thrive on creativity.
• my grandpa joe tormented me about coffee and zucchini as a child… oh the stories.
• i’m still best friends with my best friends from high school. brittany and ellie are like sisters to me.
• my minnesotian beauty is also a member of my family. i love you kimmie!
• my grandpa chuck loved to scare all us grandkids by having an imaginary dog, homer, in the basement. he loved to howl at us.
• i used to cook smarties on the top of lightbulbs when i was little.
• my parents bought me a green power ranger poster and signed it from “tommy” and put it in our mailbox. i still remember that day like it was yesterday.  i wish i still had that poster.
• there was also an easter that i saw what seemed to be a bunny looking in our window really late at night. i ran screaming into my parents room.
• i love the old pink panther movies.
• and being nostalgic.
• i’ve been single all twenty three years.
• tornadoes terrify me.
• abbott and costello will always make me laugh.  as will jerry lewis and dean martin.

i have a list of things i want to do before i die (here are just a few):

• ride in a hot air balloon
• own every pixar movie
• see damien rice live
• create my own tee’s
• hold a butterfly
• go on a treasure hunt
• mosaic a table out of purple shells i found on the outer banks
• buy a pair of TOMS
• see all of the smithsonian
• dance on bubble wrap

that’s a very small list.
here’s to life!

yay birthday. :]

weight for me.

ever feel so weighted down my life but are still moving forward at full speed?  yeah, i wanna know what happened to my break pedal.  i’m having a harder and harder time adjusting back to school life.  i had gotten used to being given projects that had definate ends…but this school thing,  it doesn’t end till the semester is over and numbers matter too much.  i’ve got two profs who are merciless when it comes to having hard exams.

today my bio professor reprimanded us because students “don’t know how to prioritize exams.  they really don’t mean anything five years down the road. it’s not worth getting all upset about them.”  and then proceeded to tell us how our lab exam, where we’ll be answering many labeled pieces of dissected pigs, hearts, brains, etc, will have NO word bank and he’ll “maybe give us points if a word is spelled wrong.”  i was so mad that the word “maybe?!” quickly sprang off my lips.  it’s arrogance like this that makes me shake with anger and frustration.

i’ve been thinking day after day, honestly, what is the point of making exams that hard?  what does it do for the learning process? for me personally, nothing.  it freaks me out enough that i can’t recall information.  the only thing it accomplishes is making me very angry and concerned about passing the class… why do i have these two classes my senior year of all times??

i know my posts haven’t been all cheerly lately.  i’m so frustrated.  and i think i’m homesick.  i miss fall and winter at home.  i wish i could just snap my fingers in the evenings and be back home.  thanksgiving still feels really far away.

please pray for me friends.  there’s a lot going on in my personal life that i haven’t shared.

the world behind my eyes.

last night i had a very vivid dream. 

i was standing in a sea of people.  there were chairs as far as i could see.  i couldn’t see where they started and i couldn’t see where they ended.  and they all were full.  we were outside and there was excitement and joy in the air.  infront of me i could see amy (my roomate on the outer banks) standing amongst a bunch of people who were obviously anxious and happy and behind me (and it also felt like it was infront of me at the same time) i also saw phil (another friend who was on the outer banks when i was) with his arms around two guys. they were in the midst of a song i think, because they were swaying, completely engrossed in what was going on.  i also remember everyone i knew from the outer banks was here and there, though their faces i can’t recall.  and i was sitting in the middle of two girls.  one i can’t remember and one i can but i won’t share her name.

i remember a guy’s voice calling out for people to move forward that want to get serious about Jesus. the young lady who i’m not naming was the first to rush forward and i broke down in tears filled with such joy and pride.  i sobbed as i knew what that meant for her and how her life was changing.  after this event ended i found her and i remember her face was happier than i could have ever imagined her to look.  she looked at me and yelled YAY before we hugged.

it felt like this was, for lack of better term, a revival on the outer banks.
i’m praying this dream, was a glimpse of the future.

gone and back again.

the past two weekends i’ve been off campus.  the first was a trip to the outer banks to catch up with friends and most recently i went on a retreat for my capstone class.  both trips ended up being very needed and yet…when i return to campus things don’t make a lot of sense.  when you have a trip that’s “very needed”  breathing should be a bit easier upon one’s return right?  not for me.  when i’m back on campus i shut down.  i don’t want to be here.  i start to wonder if i’ll ever really be happy anywhere.  i don’t want to do my homework.  it’s all i can do to get myself to read.  certain thoughts seem to never stop plaguing my mind.   and i wonder what’s the point?  why am i spending all this money to be enrolled in classes that don’t seem to matter.  i realize more and more i’m not a strong student.  i can’t keep on top of my studies because i never feel like i’m productive.  and somedays as i sit here a wave of loneliness washes over me.  so i ask again, will i be happy anywhere?

there’s more on my heart but an internet blog just isn’t the avenue to share it.

it all gets to be overwhelming and it clouds what’s really good.

its just one of those days.

fork in the road.

so evidently i came to a fork in the road.  i’m gonna trust that i was focused on God’s leading that i completely missed the other path.  cause suddenly i’m going down this road that’s all new.  to be honest, this is scary!  “whoa!” is all i’m thinking.

recently i realized, “hey, i’m probably not going to be a youth pastor when i grow up.”  it’s not that i don’t have a heart for teenagers. cause i do!  i realized, thanks to my time on the outer banks, i get more enjoyment out of being a volunteer.  there’s a lot more freedom in volunteering and it gives one, in a lot of cases, more quality time with the teens.

but i’ve seen God work a lot more in my art ministry.  time and time again i come back to the reality that God wants to use every little tiny bit of us for His glory.  so i’ve been exploring that.  in the recent issue of relevant magazine, in an article called the not going back to school guide, i found my self completely inspired. a few days before i cracked open the magazine i had a lil freak out session about my life.  “oh great. now that i’m not going to be a youth pastor i have NO idea what this means for my life.”  i felt that since there weren’t any “specific” vocations that fit my passion entirely that i was somehow screwed.  oh me of little faith.

the article discussed free lancing for a while.  i’m very much a free-lancer. i sell earrings, paintings, i work many odd jobs, etc.  but i enjoyed that this was actually encouraged. that it was okay to do a lil bit o this and lil bit o that.  it started to reinforce inside of me the desire to live out all these lil things that make me me for the Kingdom.

something else it suggested doing was starting a 501(c)(3), ie a non-profit.  it gave a few websites to check out which started the proverbial ball rolling in my brain.  suddenly i thought, “oh my gosh i want to do this!”  while i lived on the outer banks i saw a need for something like a big complex [for teenagers] to hang out in.  a complex that would include a coffee house (i’m passionate about coffee houses. they promote community so well by just having a comfortable atmosphere to foster it in), an art studio (which would give people an outlet as well as a venue to showcase talent), lots of comfy areas for sitting, separate rooms for study groups/churches that need extra space and prayer, even possibly a radio station!

i once read somewhere that asked, “what if we dreamed God sized dreams?”

upon mulling all this over in my head, i was processing this with a friend of mine.  she suggested i check out the new business degree my college now offers. i was oblivious.  i looked at the curriculum and it looks like it would only take me an extra year to attain that degree.  it looks like a valuable tool i might need in my bag of tricks.

i’m just blown away.  the more i think about it the more i’m in awe of what’s been happening in my life to bring me to this point.  so much more of my time on the outer banks is starting to make sense!  i made many valuable connections, i discovered my passions in such a big way, etc… wow!

friends, all this thinking is terrifying! but it’s a healthy scary.  i’d like to think of it as fear of God.  i’m concidering things FAR bigger than myself.  and so far its just myself working towards this possible goal of a complex.  IF that’s what the Lord wants.  who knows, He might change everything again.  i’m just gonna start going with it and see what happens.

so i’m asking you to partner with me in prayer.

“You are reaching for something that is beating
I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before
Over and again, racing out of my skin
I can’t believe I’ve never noticed my heart before” –mutemath